To some, grief is a feeling to run from, they pretend it is non-existent. To others, it is worn as a badge of honor, a way to garner attention. Others move through it as best they can. But, in the lonely sanctum of their homes, the real truth rears its ugly head. The pain comes full force.
Leading a Grief Support Group has been for me, an education in humanity. Even though I have also become a widow, my experience has been mellow compared to some others I encountered.
Jimmie and Bob were both widowers, Jimmy had lost his wife only 3 months ago, Bob, ten years.
Jimmy shared how his wife had died of the rampages of cancer.
LOVING WORDS THAT BACKFIRED
He stated her last words to him were, I dont want you to be alone. I want you to find someone to make you happy.
Little did she know that she was sentencing her husband to a much longer period of over coming his grief. As a result of her order, Jimmy had been actively pursuing any woman who seemed to show the slightest bit of interest in him, a #1 no, no for a newly grieving spouse. Our suggestions that that was not a good idea until he had worked through his grief had been ignored. He complained of continually being rebuffed by the women he had approached, but was determined to pursue the ladies.
IGNORING THE ELEPHANT IN THE LIVING ROOM Bobs wife was a cancer victim, also. From his description, they apparently had a very loving marriage, but Bobs grief was deep. He denied feelings of anger or resentment. His claim that he came to meetings because he was lonely and thought he could help other people in his situation, by offering understanding. He displayed little outside, emotional pain except the feeling of deep loss. He denied he and his wife had had any issues, that she was almost the perfect wife and oh, how he missed her.
THE BADGE OF HONOR During the time that these two gentlemen were in our Support Group, it appeared that they could consider each other as a compatible friend, with a common understanding of grief and loss. Yet, through weeks of attendance, there was an underlying current of antagonism in some of their comments towards each other.
As the Facilitator of the group, I could not understand that attitude. The evening that that emotional underground erupted, I thought Mike, my Co-Facilitator was going to have to physically separate the two men.
Unaware of the first comment that was spoken, my first awareness was of Jimmy jumping up from his chair and with an in your face attitude, stating, You dont know my pain! My pain is worse than yours. My wife just died 3 months ago! Yours died ten years ago!
Bob countered with It dont matter how long its been. I loved her and she loved me! Dont you tell me that your grief is worse than mine!
Mike and I were stunned at first. It was almost as if two little boys were arguing over which one had the most marbles.
TRYING TO DIFFUSE THE SITUATION We tried to joke them out of it. That did not work!
I realized that sounds as if I am minimizing the full density of the event, but it was a new experience to both of us. Mike stood up and came between the two and encouraged them to settle down and rethink the manner in which they were behaving. The other group members remained quiet, as if stunned, also.
Eventually the two men apologized to each other, but would not let go of the idea that their grief was more painful than the other.
That incident brought to light that both men did in deed need to seek professional counseling, to rid themselves of the deep-seated factors of denial and anger.
Once the situation calmed down, the impact of that experience taught us all that everyones grief is very personal, deep and on a level of the sacred. No one can judge the depth of grief that other people are experiencing and neither should they try!
For more tips and tools to on how to survive divorce and loss and make healthy relationship choices you are invited to visit http://www.butterflyintonewlife.com Patricia Hubbard has Facilitated a Support Group for Separated, Divorced and Widowed people for the past 11 years.
Jimmy Carter
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