February is for many the month of disappointment. The days are beginning to get longer, but winter is still far from over. The enthusiasm with which many entered into plans, goals, hopes and resolutions for the new year is for many wearing thin. Surveys have shown that by mid-February the majority of people who set new goals at the new year have abandoned them. The holidays of the month: Valentine's Day, Mardi Gras, Chinese New Year; are largely meant to cheer up the disillusioned and disappointed. All too often, February is the month for giving up the new year's goals.
There are many books and web pages of advice out there for those considering giving up their goals. They stress GOAL REPLACEMENT, replacing the abandoned goal with another more realistic and attainable. But what is more important with this process of giving up goals is not so much WHAT you do, but HOW you do it. The thing of primary importance in the issue of goal setting is to be in a centered position when deciding about it.
Any way you look at it, the examples offered by society at the New Year are a far cry from the centered position. The New Year's Eve celebration calls for something far from a centered position; and unfortunately it is from an off center place in themselves that most people set new year's goals and resolutions. The best way to do these things is of course from a centered position but, next best is to evaluate whether to abandon them or stay with them from a centered position.
What would this evaluation from a centered position look like? First, it involves dialog with all the parts of yourself that participated, or should have participated, in setting the goals in the first place. Because some of those parts would not have wanted to set them, or set them at quite the same place, or in the same way. The judgmental parts are going to be saying 'I told you so!' but the nonjudgmental parts, the Aware Ego, are going to ask 'where do we go from here?' - the same question they asked, or tried to ask, back at the beginning of the year. But the only significant thing they can do is ASK NOW.
In some cases you will have to abandon goals, because they ARE unrealistic. But in others, the disappointment, the frustration may be arising only out of guilt in realizing the off-center way you committed to the goals in the first place. All failures, indeed all life, is a learning experience. And all things happen for a reason.
Accountability - a process of asking and answering certain questions
Goal replacement is a process of taking accountability. In our definition for accountability, that consists of asking and answering four questions:
First, what worked? It's easy to say: nothing worked. But if you look objectively at the situation, something, possibly only something minor, did if fact work.
Second, what did not work? Usually it is easy to come up with a list of that.
Third, what did you learn in all of this? Again, you need to be in that centered position to answer that one substantially.
Fourth, now what would you do differently next time? There are those who say that this final question is really the first and only question to answer. But really, you need the answers to the first three to substantially answer this last one.
Copyright (c) 2009 Dave Smart
Dave Smart, the lead coach for Transcendence Coaching, has had extensive education and experience in coaching, and is well acquainted with centered and off-center places in himself and others, and their impact on goal setting. He is ready to coach those frustrated with their goals and looking for the place to start anew. Check out Transcendence's website: http://www.transcendencecoach.com.
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