Caregivers and the Challenge - Asking for Help

Caregivers, like many of us, have grown up in this culture that says asking for help is a weakness. Some of us have grown up in chaotic environments where we never learned to trust enough to ever depend on anyone else.

The Self-Sufficient, that’s what I've called the individual who suffers from Self-Sufficiency Syndrome, takes on too much, is overly responsible, and does everything all by herself.

Enter the greatest challenge thus far – giving care to someone in our lives we’re very close to and now need us in a whole new way. All of our Self-Sufficient characteristics kick in:

1. Asking for help makes us look weak and vulnerable
2. We look like we’re not up to the task
3. We would feel guilty
4. We’d be putting our responsibility on someone else
5. Looking strong and able is the ultimate goal no matter what

Remember that old saying: when the student is ready, the teacher will come? Maybe this challenge is just the one that will force you to grow in a whole new way. We are social animals. We were never meant to do it alone. And certainly not when caring for someone else as well!

Then how can we break this self-defeating behavior at a time that calls for all the strength and fortitude we possess? One of my very favorite quotes is by Ambrose Redmon, “Courage is not the absence of fear- it’s deciding something is more important than the fear.”

So what’s our fear? Many of them are contained in that 5 item list I’ve already given – that you won’t measure up. What’s more important than those fears? That your loved one receives the best possible care and you emerge from this experience intact. Without help, you won’t!

How do you break years of habitual behaviors? You don’t. You follow William James, the great philosopher’s advice and “act as if” you believe that you should ask for help and James tells us one morning you’ll wake up and believe it.

1.Realize that when you ask for help, you’re giving someone else a gift-the dignity of helping YOU! Those around you don’t want to watch you struggle alone. Give them a gift!

2.One of the key problems for the Self-Sufficient is giving up control. It’s scary. A way to maintain a modicum of control is to let others know exactly what they can do to help. It’ll create a win/win and let you still maintain some control.

3.That hole in your tongue from not saying, “no thanks” will heal much more quickly than the burnout you’ll experience if you do.

4.Keep your eye on the fact that the person you’re caring for will receive a higher quality of care because you come to your responsibility having had an opportunity to get away occasionally or have support and assistance when you need it.

5.Wouldn’t it be miraculous if this experience supplied you with the knowledge and tools to grow as a person, so that you come through it more self-developed, feeling more loved, more cherished than you ever have before? There’s that opportunity. You just have to be the one to open the door.

Peggy Collins is the author of Help Is Not a Four-Letter Word: Why Doing It All Is Doing You In, published by McGraw-Hill. She’s also a professional speaker and trainer. You can contact her at http://www.helpisnotafourletterword.com For a weekly TIP for ASKING for HELP, go to her website.

Your Key To High Self Esteem

Personal Identity -

If you want to achieve anything in life you need a good amount of self confidence. In order to succeed at anything you need a realistic self image. But in order to have either of these you need a good degree of self esteem. Do you know what it is and how to get it?

Self esteem begins with a positive self-image. This involves holding a balanced yet loving, approving and healthy self-view. Having said that, this character trait is neither arrogance nor is it narcissistic self-love. True self esteem gives us a balanced realistic appreciation for our own talents. It allows us honest introspection of our strengths and a complete acceptance of our human limitations. High self esteem is a reflection of the true value in which you hold yourself. It also frees you from any overtly polarized view of others and how you perceive they think of you.

Those people who display traits of high self-esteem have a very strong sense of who they are. They know who they are and what they want. They have a realistic world view of others and themselves. Their self-image is positive but also very rational.

However, do not think that people with high self esteem always feel great and proud of themselves. Self esteem is about having a balanced view of yourself. Even people with high self esteem make mistakes and do things that they later regret. The key difference with these people is that they recover quickly make the changes they need to make, apologize for their behaviour where necessary and learn from the experience. Individuals who have developed a healthy degree of self-esteem are able to use these situations as a form of feedback and learn from them. It is alright to feel bad about their behaviour and make atonement for it but they do not let it effect their entire sense of identity nor do they carry it with them as emotional baggage.

If you are rude or aggressive with a person it doesn't mean you are a terrible person or should be punished in some way. People with high self esteem are aware of this. These people are capable to taking full responsibility for their behaviour, admitting that it was undesirable. They will then try to make the situation "right" before they learn from it and put it behind them. They do not see themselves as bad people, just a good person that made a bad mistake. However, people with low self esteem tend to pile blame on themselves and think themselves unworthy and unlovable because they are "so bad" and "so unworthy and worthless".

They think because they have behaved badly it is a reflection of the total person they are when, in fact, it is only one portion of the complex personality they have. People with high self-esteem have a well-rounded view of themselves. They mostly know their own weaknesses and faults. However, because they know this they can either accept that this is a part of who they are or they can change the thing about themselves that they find undesirable. People with high self esteem can do this relatively easily because they don't see a change in one aspect of their character as an assault on their whole personality! So they can still have self criticism but also have high self-esteem at the same time.

A key to being in this mental and emotional state is to avoid generalising about mistakes made by ourselves and others, recognising that our weaknesses are part of who we are, while recognising that some of our behaviour can be changed without it affecting our sense of identity!

So start to see yourself as those who love you see you. Ask them what they think. Ask them to be realistic and to point out your good characteristics. Then take stock of yourself and start to believe in yourself. You can develop the skills needed to be critical of yourself, in order to learn and grow, while at the same time realizing that you are a unique, special, loving yet slightly flawed child of the Universe. You are wonderful. Accept that!

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